Balancing Your Womanhood With Your Mommyhood

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I am a woman who fully embraces her sexuality.  Well, I did when I was dating, but it's been so long that mostly all I embrace is my body pillow as I drift off to much-needed sleep.  I do know that at some point I will get back to dating, and it's possible that I might even fall in love again (hey, look, stranger things have happened, okay?).  What I do feel fairly certain of is that my boy will probably only meet somebody who is so serious in my life that an engagement ring has been purchased.  Yep, that's right - I said engagement ring.  Here's why . . .

I follow a single mom on a social media site who seems to have a very active love life.  I, personally, think that's awesome!  A mother is still a woman, and women have physical and emotional needs.  This mom should embrace her sexuality to its fullest just like everyone else!  The one thing that gives me pause, though, is that there seems to be a new picture of her newest guy with her child, about every 5 to 6 months.  This mom is young, in her early 20s, but still, I think that there is a certain level of irresponsibility in her introducing each of her new boyfriends to her child.  That child's sense of stability has to be getting compromised on some level, and the child watching so much turn-around in her own mother's love life could be giving the wrong impression of what "love" truly is.  I don't know, I'm not a psychologist, and I certainly don't aim to judge her, I just know that when I saw the latest picture my gut reaction was, "That poor little kid".

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am just the slightest bit old fashioned, and that parading men around my kid would never, ever happen.  People also know that, when it comes to my kid, if I am going to err it will be on the side of extreme caution.  So, to say that I would only introduce my kid to a man who has become my fiance is extreme, and I know that.  I'm not for one minute saying that is the way to do it, only that it is the way that resonates with me.  For many, introducing their children to their steady boyfriend with whom a monogamous relationship has been established is more than ok, and I agree.  As long as the children are seeing a steady, loving relationship, that's what matters, in my humble opinion.  I might one day find myself in a strong, steady, monogamous relationship and feel that it is then appropriate to introduce this man to my son.  It's absolutely possible.  I just think that for me, knowing that the man I'm introducing my child to is willing to go "all in", with me, my child, and any children of his own, seems like a much safer bet in terms of stability and longevity for my son.  Is it a guarantee?  Of course not!  Marriages fall apart every day.  I'm no fool.  I'm just saying that should it all fall to pieces, at least I can go to sleep at night and say, "I did the best I could to protect my child's innocence according to my conscience".  I might still need a Valium to go to sleep that night, but at least I won't want to wash it down with Vodka.

When and if the time comes, I think I would explain to Theo that he doesn't know ALL of Mama's friends, and when I realized that this particular friend was going to be special enough to become family, that is when I decided that he was special enough to be introduced to my baby.  Hopefully, that will go a long way toward making sure that he doesn't feel like I kept him in the dark, or that he was "lied" to in some way, and that this random dude just got sprung on him.  I don't want him to feel "left out" of my life, but I will also need him to understand that his role in my life is as my child, and as such, I must make executive decisions as to what he needs to know and when.  When this man became important enough to be introduced to the most important person in my life, he was, and not a minute before.

What do you think?  What's your take on single mothers and dating, and the extent to which their children are exposed to Mom's love life?

Pushing Your Past Out Into Your Future

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I'm guilty of many things that are less than healthy (ice cream addiction, Oreo cookie addiction, couch addiction, etc.), but one of the most unhealthy things that I've always done and I am working on changing is the fact that I allow my past to cause me pain in the present, so much so that I sometimes end up pushing my past out into my future.  What do I mean by that?  I'll tell you.

We all find ourselves, at some moment or the other, thinking about a past love, or a past error we've made, or the regret of something we didn't have the courage to do, and felt the pain all over again.  We are human, and even if we're really good at forgiving ourselves and moving on there is usually something that holds a particulary painful place in our memory, which when dredged up can cause us to feel that pain all over again.  That is an utterly human thing to do, and as long as we don't dwell for too long and come to accept that what's done is done, there really isn't too much harm in that kind of wistfulness every now and then.

The kind of unhealthy, melancholy pensiveness I'm talking about is when you find yourself pushing those past experiences and feelings out ahead of you and using them as a shield in the subconscious hope that it will protect you from making the same kind of mistake in your future.  That seems like a logical thing to do, except that it isn't.  Not at all.  You're thinking that you're protecting yourself, and that protection will take you to a pain-free future, except all that you're doing is taking the pain with you and pushing it out in front of you everywhere you go -- which, ironically, brings you into a pain-filled future.  Look at the girl in the picture above.  How far is she going to get, pushing that old lemon of a car out in front of her?  Not very far, my friends.  Not very far at all.  And that's us, pushing all that pain out in front of us, thinking it'll keep us from making the same mistake in the future.  It simply does not work.

This morning, as I found myself deeply pained by the memory of a love lost, I realized that I have spent the last 4 years in solitude, thinking that I was taking the time to focus on myself, but all the while I was pushing the past out into my future.  As someone who lives with Depression, I'm more prone to that kind of behavior.  Fearing having someone I love yet again tell me that I was no longer enough for them, I told myself that it was best if I stayed out of the love game altogether.  And while I do sincerely love being single, and I want to continue to focus on myself, my goals, my role as a mom, and my emotional and spiritual growth, I don't want my loving being single to act as an excuse to keep pushing around my past pain into my future. 

I'd bet, that if you look at your mental and emotional life, there might be a thing or two from your past (no matter how large or small), that you keep pushing out into your future.  Is there a way that you can begin to release the grip you have on it, so that when you are ready to walk away from it completely you can do so without it feeling like you've given up a part of your very identity?  I, for one, am going to make it my business to start mentally rewriting the story I've written about that one lost love, so that instead of it being an old broken-down car that I still push out in front of me (sadly thinking that it's actually getting me somewhere), that sad story merely becomes exactly what it is - just something that once happened, that no longer exists, that I do not need to bring with me anymore.  I can leave that broken-down car on the side of the road and walk until I find a rest stop.  Will that rest stop be inner peace?  Self-acceptance?  A new love?  I don't know yet.  I do know that whatever it is, I'll get there faster if I'm not pushing that beat-up ol' car out in front of me.

Wordless Wednesday

An Interview With Avon Representative, Debbie Schooler

Debbie Schooler, Camarillo, CA

As you know from my previous post, Avon is a company that has helped women earn income for over 125 years. For generations, women have turned to Avon to buy cosmetics, skin care, scents, and more - and for that same amount of time women have turned to Avon to help them earn money that has supplemented a main source of income, sometimes doing so well that it becomes their sole or largest source of income. Single moms often look for ways to make more money without compromising the amount of time we spend with our children, and selling Avon can be a great way to do just that. I had the opportunity to speak with single mom and Avon Representative, Debbie Schooler, about what it is like to have her own Avon business so that I could share it with you here.
Debbie Schooler, a single mother needing to financially support her family while still having time to spend with her four kids, decided to join Avon when her local Avon woman moved away.  Despite having a full-time job, Debbie still needed extra income to help provide for her children in this difficult economy.  With her Avon earnings she has been able to supplement her living expenses, her son’s surgery, and still have income left over that helped make the holidays extra special.  Debbie loves being an Avon Representative because of the flexibility and high earning potential, but also because gaining new customers has become a family affair.  Her son brings in new customers from his office, and her granddaughter helps her pack her orders.  Together they have helped Debbie reach President’s Club within her first year of joining Avon.

Issa: What made you become an Avon rep?
Debbie: I had been trying to find a part-time job but couldn't find one that wouldn't involve me being away from my kids all day long.  I had sold Avon products 15 years ago and stopped when having 4 children took up all of my time, but I decided to go back to it because it was only a $10 investment. Also, I love their products (especially their Glimmer Sticks eyeliner).

Issa: How has your Avon business helped your family?
Debbie: The extra money has helped me to make all of my ends meet, which can sometimes be difficult for single moms.  When you have childrens, things are always coming up (trips, birthdays, etc.), and my Avon income helps me to to provide for them.

Issa: What do you think some of the fears or misconceptions are that may keep some women from choosing to become Avon Reps?
Debbie:  I think people are afraid that they are bad at "selling", but Avon products sell themselves.  Avon has been around for 125 years and they have built a very good reputation.  I find that with the older generation especially, all you have to do is mention that you sell Avon and they will be interested in taking a catalog. 

Issa: What are some things women should know about starting their own Avon business?
Debbie: Avon is a wonderful company to work for. They give you tools to help you be successful and are always finding ways to help you run your business well. They offer great website tools, and have an amazing training component called the Beauty of Knowledge, that helps you to set up invoices, sign up new trainees, and keeps you updated on new products.

Issa: How do you find customers?
Debbie: I find customers through my friends, family, the members of a dance club that I am in, and my son passes out catalogs for me at his job.  You can always begin by branching out from the people that you already know, as well as places you frequent, like the bank, doctor's office, etc.

Issa: What is the biggest benefit of having your own Avon business?
Debbie: The biggest benefit of having my own Avon business is that I make extra money, of course.  I also really enjoy what I'm doing, and that I can do it around my schedule in a way that works for me and my family.  I really enjoy providing personal touches by dropping off my customer's orders to them so they feel that they have been given quality customer service.  Doing what you enjoy while earning an income has been really great for me!

Thank you, Debbie, for sharing your time and insight with us!



*I have been hired by Avon to share their business, and the representatives that make the business possible, with my readers.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Why I Want To Be Fit

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I fell hard off the fitness wagon right after Halloween.  Theo got sick and we were homebound for 2 whole weeks, and then I got sick, and then Theo got sick again (his class is filled with these extremely infectious creatures otherwise known as children), and with the both of us sick for so long I either didn't feel well enough to exercise or was just too tired to.  It was the worst possible time to fall off the fitness wagon, of course, because it was during the holidays.  I literally ate my way through the holidays, and didn't work out at all, so I gained a whopping 11.5 pounds.  Yep, you read that right, ELEVEN AND A HALF POUNDS.  When I got on the scale last Monday it said I was 167.5 pounds, and I almost wept.  I felt like such a failure.  After all of the hard work I'd done as a Lucille Roberts ambassador I felt like I went and failed myself big time.  I know that many people gain during the holidays, and with Theo and I being so sick there was very little opportunity for me to hit the gym, but still - 11.5 pounds?  It just felt like such a huge defeat.

Last week I started a 3-month job contract at an office.  I work from 8:30 am to 5:30 pm, after which I race to pick Theo up from the sitter and bring him home to spend a little time with him before bath and bedtime begins.  I know myself well enough to know that there would be no way that I would have the energy after such a long day to work out after 8 pm, when Theo is finally in bed.  So, this week, after receiving my Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD in the mail, I have been getting up at around 6 in the morning to work out before I start my day.  Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I am not a morning person.  Leave it up to me and I wouldn't crawl out of bed before noon, so the idea of waking up at six in the morning seemed like torture to me.  I've done it for the past two days and, while I had to fight myself tooth and nail to get out of bed, once I'm out and my work out is finished I feel really good.  And proud.  I'm not kidding when I say that it takes a whole lot from me to get out of bed early, I'm the wait-until-the-last-minute kind of waker-upper.  To get up 45 minutes early?  To work out?  This is huge sign of delayed onset of maturity in that department.  And while it's only been 2 days, it feels like a huge accomplishment to me that I've done it at all.  I want to keep this up, though, so I need to stay focused.

Last week, since I knew I wasn't going to be able to work out, I was so uber careful with what I ate, that I managed to lose 4 whole pounds in a week!  Can I just say how much that goes to show that I was eating really super-fattening foods (and way too much of them), for the last 2 months if I could lose 4 pounds in one week just by eating healthy foods in normal, human-sized portions?  As of yesterday I'm down to 163.5, so I know that I am back on the right track now.  The weight loss will probably slow down to about 1 to 2 pounds a week from here on out, which I'm fine with.  By the time my birthday in May comes along I'd like to fit into a dress that makes me look hot as hell for a 39 year old.  Dear God...I'm going to be 39.  ...sigh...

Anyway, the biggest reason I want to be fit is so that I am healthy and here for many decades to come.  I want to be healthy enough to fully enjoy my life while I have it.  I also want to look good, let's not lie, but it's more about feeling good.  When I work out I feel good, not just physically, but I feel good about myself.  That I did something for Issa - because she matters, too.  So, here I am, back in the fitness saddle.  Again.  And while I am a little ashamed that I ever fell off of it to begin with, the most important thing is that I keep getting back on.  Fitness is for life, and I'm going to keep at it.  For life.

Simplicity

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I realized today that I have wanted many things over the course of my life.  Some of these things didn't come true (or haven't as yet), and the things that have come true never seem to happen without some sort of drawback to them.  It seems like the old adage. "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it", rings true in my life, and that can feel frustrating sometimes.  If it rings true in your life it must feel frustrating for you as well.  Wanting something so very much and then finally getting it, only to have it entangled with things you neither expected nor wanted, can be hugely anti-climactic.  Adjusting your perspective to one of gratitude that your desire came to fruition at all, while necessary, can be hard to do at times. 

As I get older, I put more and more value on the role of simplicity in my life.  I'd like for my desires to come true simply, clearly, without all of the added baggage that comes with it (like spending 13 years dealing with infertility only to finally get pregnant and ending up doing the whole thing all by myself.  Or finally becoming a writer like I always wanted but having to live a mostly bare-bones life because of the financial instability of being a freelance writer).  I'd like for wishes to come true exactly as I envisioned them!  Every time!  Except, that rarely ever happens in real life, does it?  I suspect that there are reasons for that, but I'm not quite enlightened enough yet to know what they are so I won't even sit here and try to figure them out.  What I do feel sure of is that I eventually learn from it all.  It may take me longer than I'd like, but I am constantly learning from my life, and from what transpires within it.  I am grateful that I am able to see the lessons in my life and grow from them.  What I'm learning lately keeps coming back to simplicity.

The entire world has gotten downsized since 2008.  "Wants" have gotten smaller, and "needs" have been re-examined as well.  I think beyond most people's desire for simplicity is a real need for it, as the world's resources have gotten smaller and smaller.  My own needs have been scaled back to a minimum and I'm more than okay with that.  There are certain things I'd like for my son, mostly educational and cultural enrichment needs, that I hope to provide for him, but beyond that I live a fairly simple life in comparison to the upscale New York City lifestyle I had prior to September 2008.  I don't miss that lifestyle much, mostly because I am the single mother of a 4 year old and my whole life revolves around him and writing.  There's very little energy left (none at all, actually), for going out and being fabulously social.  I also don't miss it much because I have made my inner life match the simplicity of my outer life.  You don't need much more in life than a roof over your head, food in your belly, clothes on your back, the people you love most in your life, and coffee (no, seriously, coffee is an utter necessity for me.  Seriously, I'm not kidding).  Paring down my life to the bare minmum has allowed me to see what is truly a "need", and to realize that because those needs are being met, I can free up mental energy to do the things that matter: parent my son, write, and be with the people I love most.  There is still the part of me that wants expensive luxuries.  There is still the part of me that wants to travel the world in style.  There is still a part of me that wants a lot of things.  Bringing simplicity into my life, though, I realize that I am fortunate beyond measure for what I do have, and I am grateful right where I stand.

The next time a wish comes true, and it doesn't turn out exactly how I imagined it would, I know I will probably still be highly annoyed.  Hey, I'm human.  I will, however, be able to move past the disappointment and acknowledge that at least my needs are being met.  I can stand in a place of gratitude, of positivity, and simply be.  Teaching Theo to reach for the stars while being firmly grounded in reality will be a gift that we can both use to grow simple, happy lives.

When An Old Friend Passes Away

Sometimes when you haven't seen an old friend you were close to in a very long time, you are tempted to think that they fill only the spaces in your mind and heart that are comprised of memory.  Not so.  I found out on Tuesday that an old friend I was very close to passed away, and it has broken my heart.  Wide open.  I hadn't seen this friend for 13 years.  Doesn't matter.  When I learned of his illness in November I reached out to him and his words to me confirmed what I was feeling as well, "Hearing from you really meant a lot for me.  I love you.  Always have.".  Just typing those words is making my hands sweat and my heart race.  His loss is an enormous one for his family, the community he served with such passion, and the friends he saw on a regular basis.  And yet, while we hadn't seen each other in a very long time, I feel his loss, too.  I'm surprised at how much so, actually.  I think it is just proof that when you love someone, it doesn't matter how long goes by without seeing each other.  When you love someone, that love remains eternal.  It doesn't go anywhere just because they do.  I don't think love knows past or present, it just is.  It just is.

I love you, Rob.  Always have. 

A Mindful New Year

Happy New Year!

As you can tell, I took a brief vacation from writing on this blog.  It was a break I desperately needed.  Over the last few months, I realized that my stress levels were at an all-time high, for several different reasons, and while I find writing (especially here on my blog), extremely therapeutic, I also was starting to feel a bit "burned out" by all of the things I "have to" do in my life.  I needed some time to pare things down to a minimum so that I could recharge my depleting battery, and so that I could spend as much time with my boy as possible. 

One of the things that I realized over this holiday vacation is that I still have so much past mental and emotional conditioning that I need to undo, and I am now more committed than ever to being present and mindful in all that I do, but especially as I parent Theo, so that I am not bringing old wounds to the way in which I interact with my boy and my life.  Sometimes we think patience with our children is what matters most, when really it is having patience with ourselves that goes even further.   Giving myself the emotional nurturing I may not have gotten as a child will help me to see how best to provide that to Theo.  Letting go of some of the outdated and non-useful ways in which I react to things will give me the inner patience I need to stop reacting, and to actually start meeting the needs of the situation.  I know I won't always be able to be mindful, that sometimes being preoccupied and harried and stressed will take over, and that having full presence of mind will be absent at times.  I'm not striving for perfection.  What I am striving for is more mindfulness. more presence, more peace.  I am striving for more control over how I interact with my life and those in it.  I'd say that's a pretty good way to start a new year!

If you can do one thing for yourselves as a New Year's resolution, perhaps you can look at the ways in which not being fully present is allowing your "automatic pilot" to bring unhappiness into your life.  If you are mindful of being present - there, in the moment, and not with your problems, or stressors, or preoccupations - then you can continually bring what is needed to the moment, instead of merely reacting.  Reactions rarely, if ever, bring about new solutions, because often they stem from what happened last time.  You are not actually there, dealing with what is, from a place that is present.  I will be doing my best to focus on being fully present, and bringing myself back to the moment in which I find myself if my mind and/or emotions begin to wander.  I am still learning this process.  I may always be learning it.  Mastering presence may take a lifetime.  I am committed to keep learning, though. Why don't we learn together?