Wordless Wednesday

Getting Back Up

G Schouten de Jel / Stock Xchng

At times you get knocked down.  Life is like that sometimes.  You're humming along, minding your business, and something or someone knocks you down.  Even those who seem to live the most charmed lives will not escape this.  It's just the way life goes sometimes.

I can't help the fact that when I get knocked down, I stay down for longer than I'd like.  I'm built for the initial fight, but not for endurance.  If something knocks the wind out of me it often takes me a long time to heal from it, longer than I am comfortable with.  The one thing that I can say, though, is that I get up.  Eventually, after a protracted amount of time, I do get up again.  Sometimes I am scarred by the experience.  Sometimes, I am left with a deep sense of sadness, resentment, or loss.  Sometimes, I foolishly allow someone's lack of decency and integrity to take purchase within my heart, which, is just plain idiotic of me.  What most don't understand, however, is that inside this tough, gritty New York shell is a very sensitive person.  Too sensitive to not be as tough as I am on the outside.  It is my gruff exterior that allows me to keep on fighting when circumstances conspire to make me quit.  It is the quick temper and the even quicker tongue that keep me from being indelibly marred by the thoughtlessness of others.  It is essential to my being.  Like the lotus flower, though, I eventually rise from the mud of anger, sadness, even depression, and show my face to the sun again.

I say all of this to say that recently, I was knocked down.  I had to deal with a circumstance that left me feeling defeated.  And while I would've liked nothing more than to turn my back on the situation and walk away, I have grown too much to let others adversely affect me to the point of self-sabotage.  I have a wide enough self-sabotaging streak within me already, thank you very much.  I don't need help from external sources.  What I would like to remind you, my sisters, is to not ever let anyone or anything knock you down and keep you down.  You are human.  Situations will arise that will cause you pain, setbacks.  But don't you dare let them beat you.  Get back up the very second you feel enough strength to stand up again.  Take your first wobbly steps toward feeling solid again and keep standing.  Nothing is more important than your ability to bounce back from setbacks, be they emotional, physical, or financial.  Not only is it important for your life, but for the lives of the little ones watching you.  We are our children's most important teachers, and what could be more valuable than to show them that no matter how long it takes to get back up, the getting up is what counts most. 

If you are in a sad, scary or dark place right now I understand.  Trust me, I do.  Hunker down, gather your strength, and the moment you feel strong enough to stand, do so.  Resilience may indeed be something that you are born with - but it is also something that you can develop; and teach.

Wordless Wednesday

Single Moms Sundays Series, Featuring Alexandra V

*Single Moms Sundays is a series of guest posts by single moms that will serve to demonstrate the varied experiences and circumstances that shape and color a community filled with diversity.

What Scares Me About Co-Parenting

By Alexandra V

Well…everything. My daughter’s father and I ended our relationship about 2 ½ years ago. Since then we have had our ups and downs co-parenting our daughter who is now 5 years old. Using the term co-parenting to me implies that both parents are equally responsible for the health, happiness, and well being of the child. It also implies to me that the child can spend equal amounts of time with each parent. A joint understanding of responsibility.

Through the 2 ½ years we have had a consistently inconsistent relationship. Sometimes he comes around, and sometimes he doesn’t. It would be false of me to point the finger at him and claim that he is solely the one to blame for the turbulence in our co-parenting relationship, because I am to blame as well. After some denial I recognized I wasn’t helping our situation at all times, and realized I had a high conflict personality. I have so many high expectations of him not only as a Dad but as a Man, and it constantly left be furiously frustrated that I felt he wasn’t living up to my expectations. There were many times in which I felt like I was the only parent, and that he was only around for the ‘fun stuff.’ He wasn’t involved in taking care of her when she was sick or making Doctor appointments. He was absent at Kindergarten orientation, her 1st day of Kindergarten, or even her 5th birthday. Because of this lack of joint responsibility I react. And my reaction towards him is not always positive or helpful. My thought process has been why am I the only one sacrificing when it comes to our daughter? Why am I the only one busting my butt to ensure our daughter has all that she needs and wants? How can he just walk out on his daughter? On our daughter?

What scares me about Co-Parenting?

• I am afraid that my daughter will grow up not trusting men.
• I fear she will take her Father’s inconsistent behaviors and assume that that is how all men will act and treat her.
• I fear my own parenting skills will not be enough.
• I fear that I will not be able to comfortably play the role of Mommy and Daddy forever.
• I fear every time she asks where her Daddy is.
• I fear meetings at her school when they ask where her Father is.
• I fear the day when she asks why Mommy and Daddy aren’t together anymore.
• I fear that my best will not be good enough for her.
• I fear that our daughter will resent me because I’m the tough parent and he’s the fun parent (when he’s around).
• I fear that I am promoting that love comes without responsibility; by reassuring her that her Daddy loves her…he’s just busy at work.
• I fear what is happening now; he’s completely walked out of her life.
• I fear that she will grow up to be me. A worried child who felt like her Daddy didn’t love her. Because if he did he would surely want to spend time with me. He’d want to come around on birthdays, at my high school graduation, at the birth of my child.
• I fear the anger she may have towards her Father for not being more involved in her life.
• I fear that he may no longer be viewed as Daddy or Dad. But, him.
• I fear fear itself it seems.

From what I remember my Father (for lack of a better word) and Mother were married but he left our home when I was I believe in Kindergarten. I didn’t understand and my Mother never talked to me about why he left. I always wondered where he was and why I no longer had a Daddy in my life. In my early teens he came around inconsistently and wanted so bad to build this family with his new family. It left me confused. It left me angry.

Co-parenting frightens me. I never wanted to parent a household alone. Didn’t ever want to try to force her Father to spend time with our beautiful daughter. I cannot change him. I cannot make him want to be a Dad. I cannot make him want to spend time with our daughter. While this is not what I had ever imagined, this is my life. And I refuse to live my life in constant fear over someone else’s inability to take responsibility. I made a vow to my daughter 5 years ago when I saw her pale face for the first time. I promised her that I would do everything within my power to create a stable home for her and to be the best Mother I could be. I stand by that promise today regardless of the fact that her Father is absent. And so I will continue being the best Mother I can, I will continue to juggle and sacrifice because that is what being a parent is all about.

*Alexandra is twenty five, and mother to a 5 year old daughter. She is finishing up her coursework to obtain her Bachelor's Degree and created her blog, Mommy Glow to give voice to an unspoken demographic: younger, minority, and single parents.

Doing What You Can

Michael Lorenzo / Stock Xchng

I hadn't been weighed in at Lucille Roberts for two weeks because last Friday, which is my usual weigh-in day, I had to take care of something personal.  A friend of mine in the blogging world had her life ripped apart when her husband, the love of her life, had a massive heart attack and immediately died.  Last Friday was his memorial and there wasn't anywhere I was going to be but there, with her.  His passing reminded me how precious life is - how valuable every single moment we have on this earth is.  It had the effect of renewing my commitment to my health, and making sure that I committed to eating well and working out as much as I can.

As much as I can.  That is the key.

I work from home, and the cons to that arrangement is that there is very little work-life balance.  My life is my work as a blogger and freelance writer.  I am also a full-time, very single mother to a soon-to-be 4-year-old bundle of energy.  My days were a difficult juggling act before adding workouts to the party.  I cannot be at the gym every day.  I cannot even work out every day at home.  It doesn't work in my life and I'm not going to sit here and feel bad about that.  If I work out a minimum of 4 times a week I am doing as much as I can toward taking care of my health.  Some may see that as bare minimum, and to them, that is probably the truth.  In my life, though, 4 times a week is a victory over sloth, because before this campaign I was working out 0 times a week.  Maybe you know someone, or several people, who will make you feel as if your efforts toward fitness aren't enough.  If you know that you are doing the most you can, and you don't give up, then don't get discouraged by what others say.  Bare minimum is relative. 

Today I weighed in at 163, which is an almost 6 pound loss in 2 weeks time from my last weigh-in.  I thought that was great.  I lost at least one inch on every measurement throughout my body, nothing stayed the same from my first measurements a month ago.  I started this journey at 173.5 - that's a little over 10 pounds lost in a month!  I'm shrinking very slowly, but very surely.  It's not going as quickly as I would like because I am notoriously impatient with myself, but the truth is I am doing well.  I just have to keep believing in myself, and stay focused on the prize - a healthier me.  Being slim and gorgeous will just be a happy side effect.

I can do this.  I will do this.  There is no longer any other alternative.  My life depends on it.


*I have been compensated by Lucille Roberts as one of their Blogger Ambassadors with a six month gym membership and free weekly sessions with a trainer. As usual, however, the opinions stated in my posts and/or Tweets about Lucille Roberts are strictly my own and will not be unduly influenced by them in any way other than the quality of service that they provide.

Wordless Wednesday

Kleenex Field Trips

I was invited by The Motherhood to visit The American Museum of Natural History and accepting the invitation was a no-brainer since it is Theo's and my favorite museum.  This trip was also being hosted by Kleenex Field Trips, whose mission it is to bring back field trips as an integral part of the overall education of our children.  Due to budget cuts, more and more of this nation's public schools are having to do away with field trips, and that is something that is deeply saddening to me.  I can recall learning so much from my field trips as a child, and I can only hope that my Theo will have access to those same educational experiences.

Our first stop in the museum was at the Frogs: A Chorus of Colors exhibit.  If you didn't already know this, you can never go wrong with boys and frogs.  Theo was thrilled to see so many frogs, and we were even lucky enough to see some of them being fed!  The name "A Chorus of Colors" was beyond apt, as the colors on these frogs were almost shocking.  Here it was I thought that frogs came in green - and, I don't know, maybe olive - but instead there were dozens of colors on display.  This just goes to prove that you are never to old to learn something on a field trip!  My favorite frog was green; the reason he was my favorite was because of the annoyed look on his face:

Theo asked me why he was so mad and I said, "He's on a diet.  He misses carbs.", which was met with a quizzical look before he ran off to look at the next frog.  One day he will eventually "get" my sense of humor.

One of my favorite things about this experience was the look of intense wonder on my boy's face as he searched for a camouflaged frog in one particular terrarium:

"I found the frog, Mama!", he shouted, proudly.  Then he was quickly off to investigate the next set of frogs.

The other thing I got a real kick out of was seeing my son outfitted as a Paleontologist as he dug for dinosaur bones:

As much as Theo loves dinosaurs, this was a special experience for him to be able to pretend that he was a "dino scientist" as he calls it.  "Look, Mama; I'm like Dino Dan's father!".  As a mother who encourages his active imagination, it was such a delight to see him getting into character like that. 

I am so grateful to have been able to share this experience with Theo, and I look forward to the many field trips he and I will take together over the years.  I do, however, want him to have experiences like these with his classmates in the future.  To learn more about the Kleenex Field Trips initiative please click here.


*Kleenex Field Trips and The Motherhood sponsored our attendance on this trip and my participation in this campaign.

Single Moms Sundays Series, Featuring Tara Dublin

*Single Moms Sundays is a series of guest posts by single moms that will serve to demonstrate the varied experiences and circumstances that shape and color a community filled with diversity.

Own Yourself

By Tara Dublin

I’m awesome, only I have to pretend I don’t think so, because it’s not okay for me to think so. 

I have a good voice, I’m a good writer, I know a lot about music, and I’m unemployed, so I talk about these things a lot. This makes me an attention whore. So I’m not supposed to talk about these things.

My Twitter name is TaraDublinRocks. This means I think I’m hot shit. Only I don’t, except sometimes when I do.

All of the above is true, but also not true. I know who I am. Other people know who I am. And then there are the people who THINK they know who I am, but really haven’t got the first clue. I’m aware of other peoples’ perceptions of me, and perhaps some (most) of those are wrong, but I’m the one to blame because I’m the one who puts myself out there in a very specific way. But it’s only because I have no choice other than to continue putting myself out there. It’s a vicious circle, this living your life without anyone’s help thing.

These are the cold, hard facts of my life: I was on the radio for five years. Now I’m not, and haven’t been for two years. There are those who think this is a dream I should let go of entirely because I haven’t been hired by a radio station (none of them with a better solution). There are others who think I belong nowhere else but on the air (none of them radio programmers--sadly). There are people who think my book should be published (none of them publishers--ditto), and still more who would love for me to get any sort of job because then I’ll shut the eff up about not having a job (none of them hiring). What would you have me tweet, folks? This is my job until I have job: looking for a job.

Hear this: I’m not an attention whore. I’m a writer and former radio DJ who also happens to be an unemployed single mother. This is who I am, but I need to make myself into a shinier, happier version of myself on a daily basis in order to sell myself. I apparently frustrate people because I haven’t given up on the dream of getting a cool job again. Because I have reaped the benefits of being a supremely minor locally known person in my immediate area (Portland, Oregon) and I don’t want to work retail at the mall, this makes me a snob. Apparently it’s wrong of me to want what I used to have that made me so happy. It also frustrates them that I won’t completely change who I am and shut up and eat shit, because they’d like it a whole lot better if I did. Since when did other people who don’t pay me become the boss of me? Never, that’s when.

In these modern times, one doesn’t have to literally pound the pavement to look for work; you can just put yourself online and hope that someone with money sees you and says, “Hey, look what I found!” Except that almost never happens. And when it does, it’s because the lucky person learned the art of Shameless Self-Promotion. I’ve developed some skillz in this area, which has helped grow my Twitter follower count and drive some new sets of eyes to my blog. Basically, if you want anyone to know who you are, you have to create the best possible version of yourself and then put it on the internet. The hope is you’ll attract all kinds of awesome folk who think you are also awesome. In turn, they will share your awesome with other awesome humans, and at some point, there will be some kind of something that occurs that you can deem a success. Vague enough for you? This is how it goes in the world of social media. It’s all about the right eyes seeing you at the right time.

The only problem with that, of course, is that even when you’re a really nice person with possibly a hair-trigger reaction system and a big mouth, sometimes what you put on the internet can get misconstrued and then people just think you’re a bitch. Once it’s out there, you’re cooked if someone doesn’t like you. People are now making fake Twitter accounts as parodies of real people, and the mean isn’t going to stop anytime soon. Haters are gonna hate, and you have to decide if your skin is thick enough to brush them off.

Since I have no one advocating for me, I have to do it myself. I am my own PR machine. If I see an opportunity flutter by in my Twitter stream, by golly, I’m gonna jump on it. If what I do bothers some (and it seems to), they have the wonderfully American right to choose to unfollow, unfriend, not read my blog, and basically pretend I don’t exist.

Except they don’t do that. So I’m just warning you. Until you have some real measured success, every moment you spend on shameless self-promotion can be misconstrued and used as fodder for the Blue Meanies of the Pepperland that is the internet. But we must bravely go forward, because like the Beatles in the final scenes of “Yellow Submarine”, we are the only ones who can turn the NO’s we get into YES’s.

It’s a lesson I’m trying to teach my sons every day: life is going to come up and punch you in the stomach sometimes. You have a choice in that moment: lay on the ground in a fetal position and cry, hoping someone comes along and saves you; or you can get up, take a deep breath, say, “Well, that sucked!” and go on. So we go on. Because we have no other choice. It’s okay to advocate for yourself if no one else does. You know you’re a rock star in your own way (even if your day starts with a crying jag in the shower). Front like it in the public eye, have your breakdowns in private. Don’t let the bastards get you down. Use your humor as a shield when you need to. Grab every opportunity and never apologize for fighting for your piece of the pie.

And for all that is right and holy in this world, please share this blog with anyone you know who might be looking for writers to pay. (See?  That’s how you do it, girlfriend.)

Tara Dublin is a single mom and freelance writer in Portland, Oregon. Follow her on Twitter @taradublinrocks and check out her blog at www.taradublinonline.com.

Single Mama NYC has Been Nominated At PARENTS Magazine!

Single Mama NYC has been nominated at Parents Magazine for Best All-Around Mom Blog!  It's rare that a single mom blog gets nominated for Best All-Around Mom Blog, and right now I am the only single mom in that category - so exciting!  Would you please vote for me (you can vote once daily)!

Click here to vote! 

Thank you so much!!! 

XOXO!

Wordless Wednesday

Be Vigilant

Ilco / Stock Xchng

When you change bad habits you need to be vigilant and study the reactions of the people in your life.  There is usually, unfortunately, someone who prefers you the way you were for their comfort.  These people love to tell you how those behaviors aren't so bad, or throw quotes at you like "everything in moderation is fine".  Don't get sabotaged.  If you know that you are doing right by you in making the changes that you are making, then no, don't have "one harmless cocktail", or "just one cigarette", or bad fatty foods "just this once".  Make changes in your life in the manner that works for YOU, period.  It's no one's body - or life - but your own. 

Misery loves company, my friends.  It also usually loves cocktails, cigarettes, and fatty foods.

Single Moms Sunday Series, Featuring Donna McKee

*Single Moms Sundays is a series of guest posts by single moms that will serve to demonstrate the varied experiences and circumstances that shape and color a community filled with diversity.

Strength and Courage
By Donna McKee

Back in November of 2009, when The EX decided he wanted out of our marriage, I felt like my world had ended. I could never have imagined that it would happen to me, and I certainly did not think that I was going to ever feel happy again. All of my friends and family kept telling me I was strong and I would get through it. And while I appreciated their support and love, I wanted to punch the next person who told me I was strong.

The last thing in the world I felt was strong. Strong women don’t spend hours crying on the kitchen floor, hoping their kid won’t see them and ask what’s wrong. Strong women don’t require a prescription for anti-anxiety pills just to be able to breathe normally. And strong women certainly don’t wish with their whole hearts that the man who betrayed them would come back. And I was doing all those things.
It did finally dawn on me a couple of months ago that strength has nothing to do with how you feel, and everything to do with what you do. It doesn’t matter why you do the things that take strength, it only matters that you do them. I wanted to lie in bed all day with the covers pulled up over my head and cry. But I couldn’t. I had a daughter to take care of. If I didn’t get out of bed to feed her and care for her, I would lose her. So while the thought of just getting out of bed seemed like more than I could handle, the consequences of what would happen if I didn’t get out of bed scared me so much that I had to do it.
Strength also entails asking for help and taking help. For me, the help I was offered was most often a shoulder to cry on, or just the presence of someone who loved me. I got fairly good at that part. When I could see myself starting to falter, I would reach out to a girlfriend and ask to meet for lunch, or I’d go to my parents’ house and let them take care of me for a while.
I still stumbled. I still cried in the kitchen or in the garage or in the shower. But I was living my life too. And eventually I was doing more living and less crying. I do have strength after all. Who knew? I guess everyone around me who saw it in me before I knew I had it.
Courage is another matter. I am a huge coward. Or I used to be. I’m trying to embrace a new mantra of “Be Brave!” Being brave is what got me to New Orleans for a conference last week, when no one I knew was going. I’m not exactly a shy person, but I’m also not comfortable with being the odd man out. But it was something I was scared of, and doing it made me feel better. I’m really trying to live my life without fear, but it’s so hard for a recovering control freak.
Of course bravery isn’t the lack of fear. Bravery is being scared of something and doing it anyway. I’ve gotten over a lot of hurdles in the past year and a half, and it’s scared the shit out of me many times. I still have a couple more that I’m staring down the barrel of right now.
Strength and courage are in all of us. They are choices we make. We make them every day, in a million small ways. I’m going to work hard to Be Brave, and I hope that some of you out there will make the choice to do it to.

Donna McKee is a single mom trying to get her feet back under her. She has one four year old daughter who keeps things just crazy enough to be hilarious. Donna keeps herself sane with vodka and handbags. You can find her at PhatDonna.

Do It Anyway

Christa Richert / Stock Xchng

Today was my weigh-in at Lucille Roberts.  I am now at 168.8 lbs., from last week's 171.5, for a total of 2.7 lbs. lost this week.  That's not so bad considering it was "that time of the month" for me all week.  The weight loss isn't the biggest issue for me, though; it's the workouts that I am finding hard to deal with.

I hate working out. No, let me be as clear as I can - I HATE WORKING OUT!!!  People keep telling me to find what I enjoy doing and then I will learn to enjoy exercising. 

"You really enjoyed Boxing, you should keep at that!"

"You thought Zumba was fun, why don't you just do more of it?"

When I said I liked Boxing and Zumba, that was relative. What I really like to do is sit around and eat. What I least like to do is anything that requires physical strength (because I have so little of it now), and feeling out of breath (because my lungs try to secede from my body during any form of intense physical activity). I liked Boxing and Zumba because, relative to everything else I have to do during training, it doesn't make me want to puke mid-training session. Today I had barely finished my last exercise with my trainer before the tears began to fall and I locked myself in a bathroom stall at the gym and cried like my cat just died. Overwhelmed with how physically weak I am, and how very far I have to go to be anywhere near fit, I just broke down. I had no strength left, inside or out.

Maybe you're like me. Maybe you hate working out. Maybe you'd rather just stay where you are because it's easier and it hurts less. I hear you. I feel the same way. 

Work out anyway.

As I stood in that stall crying like a 7-year-old kid, all I wanted to do was give up. Screw this, I thought. I can't do it. I'm too weak for this. I don't want to do this anymore. 

Too bad, Issa.   Do it anyway.

We all have to do things in life that we don't necessarily want to do but that must be done regardless. This isn't about what I want anymore, it's about what I need, and I need to start taking care of Issa like she matters. To my son, I do matter, and for him I will do anything, even this. Understanding that I may never be one of those lucky people who just LOVE! to work out is part of accepting myself for who I am. I may never, ever, love to work out.  Irrelevant; I will do it anyway.  I will do it because my body needs to regain health and strength and it is long overdue - whether I like it or not.  This isn't about what's comfortable anymore, it's about growth. Maybe you don't like paying bills, but I bet you like to have lights on in your house, and so you do what needs to be done to make that happen. Not everything in life is a joyride, my friends, and in the end, it is the harder thing to do that makes you grow and brings you results.  If you wait until you find something fun!, enjoyable!, easier!, you may never get yourself healthy.  Working out is hard, but so is life sometimes.  You need to get the physical strength necessary to push forward when things are at their hardest and exercising will help you to develop that strength.

So, what did I learn this week?  Face your fears and self-doubt, allow yourself your moments of weakness, but whatever it is that feels too difficult?   Do it anyway.

*I have been compensated by Lucille Roberts as one of their Blogger Ambassadors with a six month gym membership and free weekly sessions with a trainer. As usual, however, the opinions stated in my posts and/or Tweets about Lucille Roberts are strictly my own and will not be unduly influenced by them in any way other than the quality of service that they provide.

Wordless Wednesday

Moms for TOMS

Theo holding up his fresh pair of TOMS shoes

If you don't already know about TOMS, the shoes that seem to be on practically everyone's feet these days, then let me tell you why I bought a pair.  Yes, they are cute.  Yes, they're comfy.  There are a thousand cute and comfy shoes out there, though.  The reason I bought them is because of their "One For One" movement, which brings shoes to the feet of thousands of children in need every year since 2006.  With all of the important needs impoverished children have, what is the big deal about giving them shoes?  Their website points out:


Many children in developing countries grow up barefoot. Whether at play, doing chores or going to school, these children are at risk:

•A leading cause of disease in developing countries is soil-transmitted diseases, which can penetrate the skin through bare feet. Wearing shoes can help prevent these diseases, and the long-term physical and cognitive harm they cause.

•Wearing shoes also prevents feet from getting cuts and sores. Not only are these injuries painful, they also are dangerous when wounds become infected.

•Many times children can't attend school barefoot because shoes are a required part of their uniform. If they don't have shoes, they don't go to school. If they don't receive an education, they don't have the opportunity to realize their potential.

You can see why I thought it important to buy a pair of their shoes to support this cause.

When Jessica Shyba of Momma's Gone City invited me to a "Style Your Sole" party at her house in support of TOMS shoes, I knew that Theo and I had to attend.  Theo got to have some artsy fun and take shoes that were literally a blank canvas:

The artistic genius at work

 and turn them into his own personal masterpiece:

His homage to Jackson Pollack

In the end, Theo had shoes that he could proudly say that he "made", and I got the opportunity to share a company with you that is doing good work for children in need all over the world.  We all know companies that donate 10 or 20 cents to charitable causes when you make a purchase, but this company gives a child an entire pair of shoes for each one that is purchased.  Companies like TOMS allow me to make a purchase that puts a genuine smile on my face:

The proud Mama Bear

For the good work that you do TOMS, I say thank you.  As a mother, as a human being, and as a global citizen, thank you.

*Theo and I were each given a free pair of TOMS shoes at this Style Your Sole party, but I already bought a pair for myself a few months ago in support of the work that they do.