Deprogramming, or, When They Come Back From Dad's



Katherine Evans / Stock Xchng

When I first heard the term "deprogramming" used for the period of time after a child returns home from being away at their other parent's house, it struck me as odd because it called to mind what psychiatrists do to someone who has been in a cult.  Over the past 9 months, however, I have learned exactly why it is called deprogramming.  I was a solo mom for almost three and a half years, and it wasn't until this past February that Theo had his first overnight visits with his dad, one weekend a month.  That first weekend was extremely difficult for me, and while I have grown calmer and more accepting of this new reality I still contend with a great deal of anxiety while he is gone for that weekend.  Sometimes I go out with friends, sometimes I have a sleepover at a girlfriend's house, and mostly I try to keep myself as busy as I can, but I never breathe easy until my boy is back home with me.

The interesting thing is that I thought it would feel easier once he was at home on Sundays, and I do feel less anxious, but that's when the hard work begins.  Once he is home the hard work of deprogramming him of the behaviors he has picked up at his father's house that are unacceptable in ours begins.  He has a 8-year-old half-brother whom he idolizes, but who unfortunately displays behaviors that I do not find at all acceptable in our home.  Theo comes back in need of a serious reminder of what is acceptable here and what isn't, and the resulting defiance, tantrums, and meltdowns are hard on us both.  I find that I often need to remind myself to be very patient, telling myself that he is only 4 and that this has got to be very confusing for him.  He is trying to sort out very disparate realities, and that can sometimes be hard for an adult much less such a young child.  I have certain standards for him that I will always maintain, but I need to be patient about him remembering what they are after an exciting weekend at a home that is much more liberal in its parenting than ours is. 

Being consistent, being very loving and affectionate but firm, and reminding myself to be patient is the framework for the deprogramming that goes on in our house for the week after he returns.  Constantly reminding him of what is okay in our home and what isn't can be frustrating at times, but the consistency is cementing a foundation that he, despite all appearances to the contrary, thrives on and that feeds his feeling of safety and security.  I can also temper my frustrations at his having picked up behaviors that I dislike by reminding myself that exposure to very different homes will help him to be a very well-rounded and versatile person in the long run.  He will be well-versed in how to act accordingly no matter where he finds himself.  Like I've said before, I must remember that in my desire to protect my son that I do not rob him of precisely the experiences he came here to experience.  It is my job to help him process things in life, not to be an obstacle to experience.

Do you have certain things that you do to help ease the transition your child(ren) must make between households?