As I sit here listening to my two year old scream at the top of his lungs because I won't give him ice cream as a mid-morning snack (it's really sorbet because he has a dairy allergy but shhhh), I've come to realize that it takes a special kind of inner discipline not to shake the crap out of a toddler when they're being stubborn or willful, and especially when they're being defiant. Yesterday I told Theo to stop playing in the bathroom sink and when I gently pulled him away from the sink he swatted at me. I used my "You're in BIG trouble now, Mister" voice and said, "You don't hit Mama!", and the violent meltdown that ensued made me literally push him out of the bathroom and lock the door. That was for HIS protection because while my goal is to never discipline him by hitting him, he was about to get knocked out, lol.
Once I calmed down I opened the door. He walked in, crying, and leaned his head against my chest. I held him, reassuring him with only my presence that Mama loves him no matter what but saying nothing because that would've just fanned cooling flames. He quickly stopped crying and went to whatever it was that caught his eye next. I'm so glad I didn't lose my cool to the extent that I hit him because that, for me, will never be a productive way to discipline a child. I know that's a hot topic in parenting - to spank or not to spank, but just like I do not invite anyone to judge my parenting methods I would never judge someone else's. It's hard sometimes, because growing up a Puerto Rican, there was no margin for self-expression as a child. Self-expression as a child? HA! Lol. You did what you were told and you kept you mouth shut or else you got smacked. My Dad very much believed in the old "children should be seen and not heard" way of parenting. Tantrums were met with spankings and that was it, period - end of story. For me though, that just won't do.
Can't say I don't want to sometimes though. Like, well, right now. Breathe, Issa. Breathe.
6 comments:
That's a tough one Issa. I had a VERY similar experience a couple months ago. Bathroom and all. When I took Miss M's hand to lead her out of the bathroom she punched me...in the groin. I crumpled to the floor and seriously was immobilized for a couple minutes. She was so scared that she ran off. I was so angry but spanking for me is TOTALLY off limits. Once I recovered my tone of voice was certainly angry and I tried to explain the hitting was never ok, that she had physically hurt me, that it made me sad, and the she HAD to apologize. Getting her to say "I'm sorry" took 30 minutes! In the meantime, no TV and no playing. She fought it but finally gave in and apologized and hugged me and gave me a kiss. Those times are tough but they are such HUGE teaching opportunities for us. Subsequently, I bought a book appropriately called "No Hitting" We read it a couple times a week and when similar situations come up, I now quote the book and she gets it.
Agreed. Completely!
Lucky you only have one, Issa! I have the same views as you do on using physical means of discipline... however, there are those moments...when N won't stop whining and going on about something... and A is tugging on me to nurse, or won't let me put him down, it feels like I'm in a tornado... unfortunately, no matter how many times I keep my cool and speak to them with respect, try to redirect, etc... sometimes it just doesn't work and when I can't lock myself in a different room (I can get away with that sometimes) my hand gets away from my brain. I smacked N in the head the other day because it was that moment that broke the last straw...of course I immediately apologized and told him there's never a good reason to hit someone, and ask him how to solve the issue another way...sometimes it turns into a really good talk and I beat myself up about it for weeks. ) =
Long story short, I've been there, you're not alone.
It's challenging. I'm on the no spanking bandwagon, mostly because I feel like it would be too easy for me to just spank. I wasn't spanked as a kid, but let me tell you my mother had a way of looking at me and talking to me that made me feel like I had been hit with a ton of bricks and I spent countless hours kissing her ass when she got mad at me just to get her to smile again.
Bravo, for not hitting. It does take a great deal of patience with toddlers. My little one is hitting the two stage and the tandrums are growing. I just let her throw them, ignore or discpline depending on teh situation and no matter how mad she gets, I reassure her that I love.
Lady, it's hard. We're human. You know what I do when I get so pissed off I want to scream?
I give myself a time out.
Time outs chez Solomother have not been about punishment, but about taking the time to get yourself back together again. I remember when the King of Everything was little, I'd tell him he needed to take some time, that he was allowed to have Big Feelings, but not allowed to make everyone else miserable with them.
So when I tell him, "mama needs a time out" and lock myself into the bedroom, bathroom, linen closet, whereever, he knows what I'm talking about. You know what? It upsets him that something happened that made his mom so mad she has to give herself a time out, and he's crazy desperate to be with me and talk about it.
Which makes having a time out difficult, but funny.
Next time you get really mad, turn it into something funny. I've got Grumpy Mama to turn to when my temper is redlining, and I make fun of myself, become an Angry Muppet, and the anger blows over in giggles. "GRUMPY MAMA IS GRUMPY!!!" I growl, and he laughs and it's better, somehow.
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