My Son's 1st Unsupervised Visitation With His Father

So, yesterday was my son's first unsupervised visitation with his father outside of my home. It was only for 4 hours, and yet the thought of it was so scary for me. Sunday night I hardly slept with worry. I know his father would never harm him, he isn't a bad person, and he is way more lenient than I am so I doubt he will ever even get stern enough to scold him often much less ever spank him. He just doesn't know so much about Theo right now and I was scared of the little things. Theo has a dairy allergy, and so many things we don't even think about have milk products in them. Also, 90% of the foods I give Theo are organic because I am committed to giving my son a diet that is free of pesticides, hormones, antibiotics and GEOs (genetically engineered organisms). I realize that is sometimes difficult so at most maybe 10% of the foods I give him are conventional, which I just accept. I also have specific views on Theo watching TV and if he has to (which I'd prefer he didn't), that it not be any programming that isn't age appropriate. So, I say all of this to say I have ways in which I am committed to raising Theo, and I know his father and I are very different. And the scary part is that an unsupervised visitation means that I won't be there to ensure that he is being taken care of the way I would most like for him to be.

This is where Loving Detachment comes in.

I had to remind myself at some point during my "darkest night before the dawn", that all I could ever do was love my son and raise him how I felt was best, and let go of everything else. Of course I am here to be my son's advocate, and if someone is harming my son in ANY way I will take care of them immediately. Aside from that though, he is here to have the experiences he was meant to have, and I have to be careful that my love for him, my innate desire to protect him, doesn't rob him of exactly the experiences he came to this earth to have. So I let go. Nervously, apprehensively, but I did it.

When his father came I had Theo's dinner packed, diapers and wipes in bag, and brought him down to his father. I went over a few things with him (reminded him of the dairy allergy, asked him to bring him back at a certain time so that Theo could keep to his sleep schedule, etc.), kissed my son about a dozen times (which, funny enough, was 10 times more than he usually lets me kiss him), and told him I loved him, and went back upstairs. I walked into my apartment and kept myself from crying. I had to keep myself occupied by watching a silly movie that made me laugh (The Tao of Steve, I recommend it if you are ever looking for comedic distraction). Somehow, I managed.

Somehow, I will continue to.

Blog Name Change - Single Mama NYC

So, as you probably have noticed, I just changed my blog name from NYC Mama to Single Mama NYC. There's a couple of reasons for this, but the main reason is that there are quite a few single mothers out there that may feel alone in their single mommy world, and sometimes the only community a single mother has is a cyber community. I wanted a blog name that fully reflected that I am not only a New York City Mama but that I am a Single Mama as well. Many of my readers are mothers who are married and/or in relationships with their children's fathers, and I treasure the connections that I have made with these mothers. Two of my absolute favorite Mom Bloggers are Cat over at 4 Nuts in a Nutshell and Unknown Mami, and they are both married Mamas. I'm so grateful for our connection -- as women and as mothers. There are also very many other married moms I have connected with, and I love being able to share each other's worlds. I just wanted to make sure that if there were single mothers out there looking to find someone to connect with, that I'd be there for them.

I'm off to bed. Hope you all had a great weekend!

I Miss Him Already -- Michael Jackson 1958 - 2009

The Man may have been wracked with personal pain and controversy, but the Music he was, that music made up a huge part of my childhood, teen years, and just overall past in general and I am grateful for having been alive to witness his greatness firsthand. His genius moved me, and I mourn the loss of what seemed to me a gentle, loving and deeply broken spirit.

Rest now, Michael. And may you finally find the Love you so clearly spent your life seeking.

You CAN Create Miracles

On Monday, I was in Hell. Utter Hell. My son's father and I had devolved into the worst place we had ever been, and I was filled with rage, fear, and desperation. I won't go into the specifics of the situation, but let me share something magical with you. That Monday night, I created 2 possibilities for myself. The first was to be a paid Blogger to such a financial extent that I can support my son, my father, and myself. The second possibility I created for myself, was that I could have a peaceful co-parenting situation with my son's father. I've been doing it without him for so long that I didn't want to entertain allowing him back into my son's life at his whim. But then I realized that I have no right to keep my son from having a full relationship with his father, even if we weren't getting along, but that I also needed for the situation to be peaceful. So that night, I created for myself the possibility that I could have a peaceful co-parenting situation with my son's father, and that it would happen by next Monday.

Tall order for those of you who know our history. Trust me, it ain't pretty.

The next day was an extremely emotional day. Although I had created this possiblity of peace, I was still wracked with anger and pain and resentment. Epic internal struggles, rages, hysterical crying jags -- you name it, I went there. To top it off, I had to go to Family Court that day to petition for sole custody for my son, and that petition had to be served to my son's father by a third party. After leaving Family Court, I called my cousin who knows my son's father in hopes that he would serve him for me. As I began to explain the situation I started to cry so hard that he cut me off mid-sentence and just told me he would meet me at my apartment in an hour.

When he finally arrived, he informs me that my son's father is also coming; someone I felt nothing but rage for at the moment, someone who I haven't spoken to since December, and generally the last person in the entire Universe I wanted to see or speak to. I told off my cousin for orchestrating that - I only wanted him to serve him the damn papers! - and I went to leave, but he calmed me down and told me that because he had gone through a similar issue with his son's mother, that he knew that what we needed most was to talk face-to-face with others around. Something in me relented and I waited.

When he arrived it was tense and at first it seemed it would be explosive and a complete failure, but after almost 2 hours something miraculous happened. We reached a friendly place. A respectful place. A peaceful place. The peaceful place I spoke into existence for myself for the following week.

And I created it in 21 hours. 21 hours.

So, if someone ever asks you if miracles can happen, tell them absolutely. But only if you create the possibility for them.

Suze Orman Is A Powerhouse!

I was at the Avon Tweetup this morning featuring the incomparable Suze Orman. Let me just say that she really is as powerful as she seems on television. The woman is amazing! She is passionate and self-assured, commanding and intense, dynamic and truly authentic. What a wonderful role model for women in business - heck, women in any walk of life. She dropped some incredible pearls of wisdom today, one of them being, "If you aren't powerful with money, you aren't powerful. Period." Now, I'm sure many people would care to disagree with that statement, perhaps thinking that one's personal power can be measured in ways other than just monetarily. Thing is, I get what it is she's trying to say. Especially as a woman. And especially as a single mama. If we do not make the choices necessary to be equally powerful with the money that we have, as well as with the money that we don't have, as Suze also said this morning, we set ourselves up not only for disempowering life circumstances, but disempowering frames of mind as well. When we choose to spend wisely, save/invest wisely, pay down our debts, and incur debts with the utmost of caution, we are creating a powerful financial foundation for ourselves, as well as creating the powerful frame of mind that we are in control of our lives. How much more powerful can it possibly get than that?

The Tweetup also gave me the opportunity to meet fabulous women -- bloggers who are mothers, entrepreneurs and authors, among many other things. These women were equally as inspiring to me because they were proof positive that you can turn your passions into your career, which is something as a Freelance Writer I am unfolding for myself. To be in the room with all of these women - and then Suze Orman to top it off! - I gotta tell ya, it was off-the-charts inspiring.

Suze, on behalf of single mamas everywhere, thank you for the work that you do. I saw today that yes, you do what you do to create wealth for yourself. Absolutely. As you should! But, you also do what you do to empower others, women especially, to become the power that they seek in their lives. The genuine warmth that suffused every intense, emphatic, and passionate word you said was palpable. You are the real deal. And thank you Avon, for putting together a fabulous event, and for giving us an unforgettable opportunity to be truly inspired by one of the greatest role models a woman could have. It makes perfect sense that Suze is working with you: your company has been helping women empower themselves financially for over a century - and you're still going strong! To this day, you continue to give women an opportunity to help themselves financially by becoming Avon representatives. You should be truly proud of what you have created for yourselves as a company, and for what you have helped to create for millions of families throughout our country.


Thank you, Suze!

I Was Born In The Wrong Era

Why oh why did I have to be born post-Twiggy mania? Prior to the the 60s, an excrutiatingly skinny woman was not a sex symbol. I mean, have you seen the way Olive Oyl was portrayed in the Popeye cartoons, all lanky and clumsy? Sure, Popeye and Bluto chased her, but come on, they were SAILORS! They'd been on a ship for God knows how long with nothing but other men. Of course they chased her, she was the best thing they'd seen in way too long!

Seriously though, I was born in the wrong era. Had I been born long ago enough, I would have been the epitome of drop dead gorgeous. A sexy, femme fatale of a diva. Well, I still am, but alas, only to myself!!! I was thinking today of how perfect my body would be (thigh dimples and all, dammit), if I would have been born 1 or 2 centuries ago. Men would have worshipped at my ankle-length hem. I don't think it's fair that I got the short end of the stick. I demand that we as a culture go back to idolizing curvy, full-figured women! Wouldn't it be amazing if today's supermodels couldn't walk the runway or be accepted for print ads unless they were at least a size 12? Now that would be fabulous!

Maybe I should start a petition.

I Need A Butler

Seriously. I'd prefer a Butler to a maid because I like the idea of a man serving me. Lol. Women have been in positions of service for millenia, but a man managing the details of my house would be great. He'd have to be more of a Man Friday than a Butler though, now that I think about it, because he'd need to get down in the trenches and actually DO stuff, not just delegate it to the staff under him. He'd need to be the one to go grocery shopping, prepare meals, do laundry, sweep and mop the floor. Clean the kitchen and bathroom . . . WHOO HOO, I'm getting giddy just thinking about it.

If you could have a "Man Friday" do anything you wanted for you, what would it be?

Honest Scrap Award

First of all, Unknown Mami and I have ironed out the technical difficulties and all is well in Blog World again. Whew! Just in time too -- I am one of 5 recipients of the Honest Scrap Award. This means I have to share 10 things that are absolutely true and that most people may not know about me. I hate to say this, but after a few days of thought I couldn't come up with 10, so here's what I got:

1) I was on Sesame Street when I was 11 years old, in a scene with the Count, my FAVORITE Muppet (well, him, Grover, and Miss Piggy). I still have the pay stub but I don't know how to get my hands on a copy of the reel. I guess I need to email Children's Workshop or something.

2) I have developed a fear of flying in the last few years. Considering at one time I was planning on a career as a Travel Writer, it's beyond ironic. Thing is, I love to travel, so I'm going to try to work that one out. All these crashing planes aren't helping though.

3) I adore the city. I really, really do. But secretly, I have a quiet dream of living somewhere very rural. Someplace Theo and I can commune with nature.

4) I hate high heels. Hate them hate them hate them. Don't care that they're sexy. Don't care that along with Paris and Rome I probably live in the Stilleto capital of the world. I hate high heels.

5) I'm mad at God for not making artichokes taste like Haagen Dazs Vanilla Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. I mean really, really ticked off at Him about this.

6) When I was 7 years old, I got an award for a poem I wrote that was entered into a city-wide contest presented to me by then-Mayor Koch. Like an idiot I threw out the award about 15 years ago and I'm so mad at myself for thinking it was something trivial. It may have been, but it was still something worth holding on to.

7) I am exhausted all day and can't wait to go to sleep, but then after I put Theo to bed I get a perverse second-wind and end up staying awake doing stuff 'til like 1am. Then guess how I feel the next morning? Uh huh. Like crap.

8) I wish I hadn't let my self-doubts win and at least tried to do something as a professional singer when I was young. Too many people told me that I had a great voice for it not to be true. :-(

Okay, that's it. I only have 8. Maybe I'm not that interesting after all . . .

Wait, I just remembered another thing:

9) I am secretly an Anglophile. Which is weird because as a Black Latina I have always been extremely focused on things that pertain to my African heritage. I am proud to be Black, proud of my Puerto Rican heritage, and everyone who knows me knows this. But. I absolutely LOVE Brit stuff. British films, British humor, the British accent, British mythology, British history (well, except the colonization of all the Brown and Black people throughout the world. To their slight credit though, they did abolish slavery years before the U.S. did). Anyway, that's my little secret, and I'm sharing it with you.

Need To Update Your Bathroom Design? 10 Tips By Design On A Dime's Frank Fontana

On Thursday, June 11th, I had the pleasure of attending a fabulous blogger event hosted by Charmin Ultra Soft. Besides introducing us to this great new product (which is the softest and most absorbent Charmin to date), we got fabulous tips from Design On A Dime's Frank Fontana on how to update the look of our bathrooms without breaking the bank. Here are 10 great tips to help you spruce up your bathroom just in time for all the summer company you're sure to have over at your place:

1. Color Correction - If your bathroom feels stale, the most inexpensive way to make a big impact is by changing the color of the walls in your bathroom. Make sure to choose a color that matches your current decor so that you do not have to make other major changes.

2. Get floored - According to Frank, the floor is the "6th wall" and should be decorated as such. Cool tile is tops for that surface; easy to clean and stylish.

3. Be vain - by changing the vanity or medicine cabinet that hangs above the sink. If you don't have the money to buy a new one, paint the old one or add some trim molding to creat a new framed look for it.

4. Less is more - Choose your toilet paper wisely. Charmin Ultra Soft has a new embossed pattern that compliments any decor, and it allows you to use only 7 sheets vs. 28 sheets of the leading brand. If that sounds improbable, it did to me too - until I saw a demo that proved it. So spend less money on toilet tissue and more on your bathroom!

5. Change your hardware - So many people overlook them, but new pulls and knobs can make your bathroom cabinetry look refreshed. Don't underestimate what a huge difference new knobs can make.

6. Accessorize the bathroom - Another great way to add character to your bathroom is with accessories. Pick unique and interesting items for the vanity or shelves that fit into your design style.

7. Three's the magic number - When accessorizing, groupings and pairings of three are always a good choice.

8. Curtains, please! - Believe it or not, a new shower curtain can do a lot for softening up a bathroom. Consider getting a new shower curtain if your old one is looking tired, or if you are simply interested in a better look.

9. Clutter is not classy - Clutter is the #1 killer of good design, so make sure you keep your countertop surfaces clear and dirty towels in the hamper. Be sure to recycle your magazines every month with new ones.

10. It's all in the details - Carry over textures and colors. If you have a pattern or texture on your towels, wall coverings, or moldings, you can repeat the textures in smaller, more subtle bathroom accents.

Pretty neat tips, right? Now go forth and spruce!

Sometimes I Can't Stand Technology

I've been having some trouble accessing blogs recently. Actually, it's only been 2 in particular, and not being able to access one in specific has me really ticked off because I've been trying to leave comments for days now and I keep getting kicked off her blog! Unknown Mami has some great posts, but I can't comment on them because I keep getting this stupid message in a dialogue box before getting kicked off her site:

Internet Explorer cannot open the Internet site. Operation aborted.

Sometimes I'm even able to get on the site and I get all excited, and then I go to leave a comment and that stupid dialogue box comes popping up again right before it kicks my butt off the site again. It's been a couple of days of this and I'm feeling like "GRRRRRRRRR"! It was happening with another Blogspot site too so at first I thought it was a Blogspot issue, but now I can access that other site just fine. I'm praying that I don't have a computer virus or anything like that. Ugh. That is simply not allowed.

So, Unknown Mami, just so you know, I've been reading your posts on my Blackberry. But as for leaving commentary, maybe you'll have to email me your email address for me to comment. At least until my laptop and your blog site can work out their issues and decide to be friends again.

Seriously, sometimes I can't stand technology.

My Son Laughed At Me Today

Yup, my 21 month old baby boy laughed at me today.

I was busy trying to do 3 things at once (as per usual), so while I was grabbing the grocery bags off the handles of his stroller, answering my cell phone that was ringing, and trying to unbuckle Theo, I tripped over myself and the cell phone went flying from my hand - the battery cover flings off and the battery goes flying too. Theo starts laughing hysterically and says, "Silly Boy". Silly Boy! I just couldn't believe it. So, then I start laughing hysterically at just being called a silly boy by my own toddler, which set him off to laughing even harder. So there we are laughing hysterically, just he and I, for like 5 minutes straight. It was one of those moments I need to etch into my mind, I don't ever want to lose it. He has quite the sense of humor, that one.

I think he gets it from his Mama.

I Think I'm Failing

So, usually when I decide to lose some weight I get on my diet (usually it's the South Beach Diet except for when I went back to work afer my Maternity Leave and I did NutriSystem for almost 4 months), I am pretty disciplined, and I reach the weight I set as a goal. But this time? Ugh. This time, I ain't doing so good. I'm really failing at being disciplined about it this time around. The irony is, I think it has to do with the fact that I have come to a place where I feel accepting of my body. I don't like being this chunky during the summer, there is way too much exposed skin everywhere, and living in one of the major fashion capitals of the world, I am surrounded by gorgeous women in fabulous size 4 outfits - and they think THEY'RE fat! So, it majorly sucks to be chunky in New York City in the summer. It does. But, having said that, I have to be honest about the fact that after 36 years of doing battle with my body, I'm starting to accept it for what it is. For what I look like. I'll never be a size 4, and quite frankly, I don't want to be. I'm a voluptuous woman, and a woman with curves is SEXY, dammit. Lol. I could stand to tone up a whole lot, but frankly, I think I'm going to stop worrying about my weight so darn much. I'll keep doing my Cardio Pilates DVD to make sure I am fit (I want to be around for a long time, I have a little boy I want to watch grow into manhood), but as far as strict dieting and worrying that at barely clearing 5'5" I need to go from the tight size 12 that I am to the loose size 8 that I have set before myself as some sort of Holy Grail Jean Size, I'm done with it. I really think that I'm finally starting to see myself with more accepting eyes.

Now, I am absolutely aware of the fact that this could very well be a ploy of my subconscious mind to justify eating some Hagen Dazs . . .

House Arrest

So, with Theo being ill we'd been confined to our tiny little one-bedroom Manhattan apartment for days. Can I just say that I fully understand why solitary confinement is a form of punishment? For days my poor baby had been asking to "Go Bye Bye" and I had to look at his beautiful little face crumple as I answered, "No, Baby. We can't go Bye Bye today." On Saturday when I said no, he threw himelf on the floor and screamed as if I were ripping off a limb. I couldn't blame him. I wanted to throw myself on the floor and scream right along with him.

Today was his last dose of his anti-viral medication, so after breakfast I got him dressed, put him in the stroller and hit the streets (okay, all we did was take a trip to Whole Foods to get some groceries but WHOO HOO did freedom taste fine!!!). When Theo realized we were going out he was so happy I thought he might burst. He was so cute, "Go bye bye??? See cars? See bus? GO BYE BYE???" It was almost as if he were saying, "Don't play with me, Lady! You had better be getting me dressed because we're going outside because if not there will be hell to pay!"

So, finally, we are free from our House Arrest. It felt good to get some sun on our faces, and to be bombarded with the sounds of New York City traffic. And my baby? Just as happy as he could be, leaned back in his stroller with his shades on like the kool kat he is.

Who Put Me In This Time Machine?

Why is it that my itty bitty baby is almost 3 feet tall, talking up a storm, and running around like a madman? Theo will be 21 months on Monday and I don't like it. Not one bit. Lol. I suppose it's terribly cliche to talk about how quickly the time has flown since I had my son, but really, it just zoomed by. I keep reminding myself to stay present because it's just going to get faster as he gets older. Would you just look at this though?



The day he was born.



Now.

God, I love him.

I just wish someone would take me off of this darn time machine. Or at least slow it down a bit! Sheesh!!!

Swine Flu Averted

Tuesday night I had to rush Theo to the Emergency Room because he had a fever of 103.1 and he vomited so much that I was literally soaked through with it. With this rash of Swine Flu victims I just couldn't take the chance on playing it low-key and staying home. So I peeled myself out of my puke-drenched clothes and sneakers, got a washcloth and cleaned myself up as best as I could, get my poor baby out of his clothes and cleaned him up, then got us both dressed again. My little guy is crying hysterically and he is not usually a crier, so I know it's really bad. I get a diaper bag together, get him in his carrier and strap him tight against my body, and go outside to hail a cab to the Emergency Room. Once I get there I rush to the Triage Nurse and tell her that he has a fever of 103.1 and flu-like symptoms, and expect to get the slightest reaction from her as to the importance of what I had just told her. "So do the 2 kids in front of you", she says, in a tone that screams of disinterest. "Just have a seat."

I wanted to slap the mascara off her face. No, I really, really did.

When the doctor finally saw him, Theo was given a prescription for an anti-viral medication and I was told that with the medication he would be just fine. Suffice it to say it was a long night, and the many hours later we arrived back at home found me getting Theo back to sleep on my bed, just so that I could go into his room and clean up the copious amounts of vomit on what seemed like everything. The clothes, the floor, the rocking chair, his crib -- ugh. As I eventually climbed into bed I didn't yet realize that the following day would find me just as exhausted, since as soon as my mother came over I had to literally go on a man-hunt to 5 different pharmacies in my neighborhood for the anti-viral medication, go to the supermarket for groceries since we would be housebound once my mom went back to PA, and then I had to carry three heavy grocery bags and an umbrella back in the pouring rain. At one point I had the single mother twitch - "WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO ALL OF THIS BY MYSELF?!?!?!" Almost immediately though, I realized that it was better to do it all alone than it was to have a husband/partner that doesn't do his share. And I know waaay too many women who have husbands/partners that don't do their share. That's worse. At least to me it is. So I told myself to get over the drama, and I did. I was there for my son when he needed me and I got everything done and I didn't even cry in the Emergency Room although at one point I came dangerously close. Swine Flu (and single mom meltdown) averted.

I still kinda want to slap the mascara off that nurse though.

Creating My Life

I've begun to realize that there is a distinct difference between coasting through life (what some poeple call living but what I will refer to forevermore as merely 'surviving'), and creating your life (which I now consider truly living).

I'd been coasting for the last 36 years.

Starting as of very recently (only the last few days since my 36th birthday, to be exact), I am in creation mode. I don't mean just as a writer, or a mother, but as a person, as ME. I get to have a say in what my life looks like, and most especially, what my life feels like, and I will try my hardest to stay away from merely being reactionary. You know what I mean: your toddler refuses to do what you want him/her to do. "Ugh, this sucks. My kid is a pain and I'm a terrible mother." Your finances are nothing near what you'd like for them to be. "Ugh, this sucks. I hate not having enough money to buy what I want." Your significant other ticks you off, or the lack of a significant other ticks you off. "Ugh, this sucks. My life is nothing like what I'd thought it would be and I hate it." And on and on and on. I refuse to be in a reactionary place anymore -- I choose to create. Nothing sucks unless I say it does. Each and every one of those (and any other) circumstance can be changed by a mere shift in thought. Your toddler refuses to do what you want him/her to do. "My baby is so authentic. I'm so grateful he is able to be himself and does not hide his needs or desires from me." Your finances are nothing near what you'd like for them to be. "I'm connected to Infinite Abundance through my Source. All that I need is on its way." Your significant other ticks you off, or the lack of a significant other ticks you off. "I am so grateful to have someone in my life that I care about that much. (or) I am so grateful to have the time and space to get my life in order to make room for a significant other to enter it."

Those thoughts just feel so different, don't they? The first set are so heavy and confining. The second set, so light and expansive. I know which thoughts I'd rather have rattling around in my head. And if thoughts are the seedlings of your life, then I am already on the path to a lighter, more expansive and creative life.

Because I said so.
:-)