So, yesterday was my son's first unsupervised visitation with his father outside of my home. It was only for 4 hours, and yet the thought of it was so scary for me. Sunday night I hardly slept with worry. I know his father would never harm him, he isn't a bad person, and he is way more lenient than I am so I doubt he will ever even get stern enough to scold him often much less ever spank him. He just doesn't know so much about Theo right now and I was scared of the little things. Theo has a dairy allergy, and so many things we don't even think about have milk products in them. Also, 90% of the foods I give Theo are organic because I am committed to giving my son a diet that is free of pesticides, hormones, antibiotics and GEOs (genetically engineered organisms). I realize that is sometimes difficult so at most maybe 10% of the foods I give him are conventional, which I just accept. I also have specific views on Theo watching TV and if he has to (which I'd prefer he didn't), that it not be any programming that isn't age appropriate. So, I say all of this to say I have ways in which I am committed to raising Theo, and I know his father and I are very different. And the scary part is that an unsupervised visitation means that I won't be there to ensure that he is being taken care of the way I would most like for him to be.
This is where Loving Detachment comes in.
I had to remind myself at some point during my "darkest night before the dawn", that all I could ever do was love my son and raise him how I felt was best, and let go of everything else. Of course I am here to be my son's advocate, and if someone is harming my son in ANY way I will take care of them immediately. Aside from that though, he is here to have the experiences he was meant to have, and I have to be careful that my love for him, my innate desire to protect him, doesn't rob him of exactly the experiences he came to this earth to have. So I let go. Nervously, apprehensively, but I did it.
When his father came I had Theo's dinner packed, diapers and wipes in bag, and brought him down to his father. I went over a few things with him (reminded him of the dairy allergy, asked him to bring him back at a certain time so that Theo could keep to his sleep schedule, etc.), kissed my son about a dozen times (which, funny enough, was 10 times more than he usually lets me kiss him), and told him I loved him, and went back upstairs. I walked into my apartment and kept myself from crying. I had to keep myself occupied by watching a silly movie that made me laugh (The Tao of Steve, I recommend it if you are ever looking for comedic distraction). Somehow, I managed.
Somehow, I will continue to.
5 comments:
It's not just Theo that is growing up; it's Mami too. You are doing a great job. He's got the foundation that you have created.
I forgot to tell you to come read what I wrote about you.
Just know that experiencing things with the "other" parent is exactly what helps a child balance and receive differing viewpoints. I think that's important, even THOUGH as moms we want to be THE influence because we feel we do it right, we do it better. And we probably do. But the differing viewpoints help them decipher differences, and help them learn to ask questions about these differences. This in turn gives us a chance to explain instead of just dictate. :) And it's his dad. Hopefully dad will be as excited about parenting Theo as you are. They do sometimes surprise us.
I can't imagine how hard that must be for you!
I have a hard time just leaving my boys with my parents or in-laws knowing that they will break my rules:(
My heart goes out to you!
I LOVE what you wrote about not robbing Theo "of exactly the experiences he came to this earth to have." That is such an awesome perspective - you are so wise!!!
Post a Comment