C'mon Little Guy, You Can Do it!

My doctor told me this morning that I am 1 centimeter dialated! Tomorrow is my last day of work before I go on Maternity Leave! I'm almost there - he's almost here!!!

Loving Detachment

I've never hated ANYONE in my life ever, but I've felt hatred for my ex in my darkest hours. I never want to go back there again. I don't deserve to be trapped in that kind of hell and I've learned the hard way that hatred is infinitely more hellish for the one who is doing the hating. It's funny, just the other night I had a moment during which I envisioned a scenario where my ex didn't come through for my son in some way (he was supposed to come by last week to fill out some paperwork and didn't. That's just one in too many times over the last 20 years I've known him that he has bailed on me -- someone he supposedly loves).

Anyway, when I envisioned the scenario, I became so enraged I literally made myself sick - nauseated, headache, the whole nine. At some point though, by the grace of Divine energy, I was able to remind myself that if my son does suffer disappointments because of who his father is (and isn't), then not only is that part and parcel to my baby's life lessons of who he will become in this life, but I must consistently remind myself that HE CHOSE HIM AS HIS FATHER. That is none of my business. I must focus on being the best Mother I can possibly be and not pass judgment on my ex, even though most of the the time that's really difficult. Who my ex chooses to be is not my business though, and I must learn to let go of my judgments because I don't really know what kind of impact he will have on my son. Yes, my baby might "deserve" more, but who am I to say that he won't be a better person because of any pain or disappointment his father may cause him? Maybe that will ensure that my son is a better man and father than his own father one day, who knows? This journey of mine will be challenging enough without me making it any harder than it has to be. So, whatever it is that he provides or doesn't provide, does or doesn't do for our son, it's irrelevant to me. My son will become who he is meant to be with the knowledge he needs on a soul-level. I have to learn how to let go. Everything I hear, read, etc. tells me it is the art of loving detachment that will help me to continue to evolve, and so I try to keep my focus on doing exactly that. I cannot protect my son from everything in life -- not even the pain caused by his own father's current immaturity. I have to love my son enough to protect him, to advocate for him, to guide him. But I have to love him with enough detachment that I do not rob him of the lessons he came to learn, the circumstances that will forge his little being into the person he is meant to be. I can't imagine how difficult that balance will be for me -- but I commit myself to focusing on that goal.

Wish me luck.

Ten Things I Like About Myself

So, Christine over at SoloMother has extended an invitation to her readers that was extended to her: write down ten things you like about yourself. Since in my life I have tended more towards being self-deprecating than self-aggrandizing, this is going to be a bit of a challenge. But here goes...in no particular order...

• I have consistently evolved past myself. There are people who live their entire lives without learning from their "mistakes". I not only learn but use those lessons to truly evolve and become a "better" me.


• I have a great deal of inner strength. I have done and been through quite a bit in this life. Most of it has required an enormous amount of inner strength.


• I have a pretty good sense of humor. There are times when my sense of humor has been the only thing keeping me from hurling myself into Mid-Manhattan rush hour traffic. There have been times when it has kept others from doing the same.


• I'm a good friend. I have to say, this quality hasn't always been reciprocated -- but it's who I am and I don't do it to get a fair turn. Those who have taken advantage of that find I am quite adept at cutting my losses, but those who can appreciate that have a loyal friend in their corner always.


• I'm pretty smart. I was tracked into "gifted" classes growing up but ended up a college drop-out, and I have no major "accomplishments" to speak of -- still, I'm pretty smart nonetheless. Most people tell me that they think I'm one of the smartest people they've ever met.


• I have a good singing voice. I've loved to sing since I was a little kid. I've been told I have a nice voice by quite a few people.


• I'm a really good Mom. I learned this when I had to be a mother to my Godson, Lance. When he was 2 and a half, he was handed to me to be a single Mom to because his Mother was recovering from her illness. It wasn't easy, but I was very good at it.


• I have a fairly nice figure. It's kind of ironic that for most of my life I have suffered from poor body image, because now that I look like a human Weeble Wobble I can look back and appreciate the fact that I've always had a pretty nice figure. I'm looking forward to getting my body back to its pre-pregnancy shape so I can enjoy my figure in the present tense for once.
• I have a great smile. It's the best thing about me, physically. I have teeth so straight I have actually had dentists ask me if I wore braces growing up, which I didn't. I have an ex whose nickname for me was Sunshine because he said my smile could light up a room.
• I am very well-rounded. I am the kind of person who can be around any group of people and fit in well. Rich, poor, educated, provincial, conservative, liberal -- I tend to be able to find a place of commonality with almost anyone. It's one of the reasons I consider myself a true global citizen; even though I am a New Yorker, I can feel a sense of affinity with a boy from rural Italy, or a woman from the mountains of Peru.

Wow. This took a very, very long time to do because it was really, really hard to come up with all ten.

Your turn.

Talk About Anti-Climactic

So, at 36 weeks I am officially 9 months along! Very exciting stuff. I went to my doctor's appointment today and when I asked her when would be the next time I would have a sonogram (I have been dying to see him again since my 20 week sonogram), she surprised me by saying she wanted to do one now to see if he had turned downward. "Great!", I thought. I lie down, she rubs my belly with the little magic wand, and she says, "Yep, he's in position". I look over at the monitor and all I see is a circle. "What is that?", I ask. "The top of his head", she says.

Great. I've waited 4 months to see his precious little face again and all I get is the top of his dome. Sheesh.

Being Grateful

I recently read that you cannot be in a state of gratitude and feel as if you are lacking at the same time. In other words, if you are offering the Universe gratitude for what it is that you do have, you cannot be in a place in which you are lamenting what you don't have. You simply just cannot be in both places at the same time. So with that in mind, I am making it my business to remain, as consistently as possible, in a place in which I am grateful for all that is my life. I am going to do my very best to actively remind myself of all that is truly blessed in my life. I will focus on all that I have that so very many people do not, not in an attempt to feel better than anyone else, but to remind myself that things can always, always be worse than how I perceive them. There is a saying that goes, "There but for the grace of God go I". There are very few people on this earth whose circumstances could not be my own, and some of those circumstances are horrid. So in light of that reality, I remind myself of all that is good in my life and it's true -- I stop feeling so sad about what my life doesn't look like and I start to see more clearly all that is truly good.

We all get a little bummed out sometimes when life doesn't go the way we pictured it would. We all wish for things or circumstances we do not have. We all yearn for something. I don't suppose the answer to unhappiness in life is complacency, and that we should all just be happy with what we get and not desire to expand ourselves and our lives, for growth is usually a very positive thing. I just think, no, even more importantly, I feel, that it is so very important to temper our striving for growth in this life with large doses of gratitude for what we already have. How else can we enjoy all the wonderful things we have already made manifest so far? How else can we enjoy this small amount of time with which we have to live? I choose happiness, and with that, I offer oceans of gratitude to the Universe for all that it has helped me to make real in this life. I am truly blessed. Thank you.

The Best Baby Shower Ever

So, my Baby Shower was today, and it was the best Baby Shower ever! It was held at a wonderful Spaniard restaurant in my neighborhood that has some of the best Paella in New York City. We had the entire lower floor to ourselves. My Mom really outdid herself with how well put-together everything was. It was very classy but not at all stuffy. My friends contributed as well, so it was a nice show of love and support all around. I had a tremendous amount of gifts, to the extent that I probably won't have to purchase anything at all but a few clothes for his first three months. And the diapers! So many glorious diapers! From what I hear, this is the one gift that I will appreciate the most. Thank you!

I will be loading pictures of my Baby Shower over the next few days, the ones that were taken with my camera first, then over the next week or so I'll load the ones my friends took with their own cameras. Please check out: http://issasbash2006.blogspot.com/. That blog page was begun by my friend Ada last year for my Birthday gathering in May of 2006, hence the webpage name, but it will continue to be a repository for pictures over time.

Mom, thank you so much for my Shower. You really came through for me and I am so deeply grateful to you for all the money, time and hard work you put into this. It was a perfect Shower and I couldn't have asked for anything more. Kellye, thank you so much for everything you put into my Shower too. It shows me that this is just the beginning of how great of a Godmother you will be to my Teddy Bear. And to all of my friends who helped my Mom and Kellye get it all together, thankyouthankyouthankyou!!! You are now, and will continue to be, my family, and I appreciate you all so much.