Moving On

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"Moving on, no matter how much it hurts, is our way of loving ourselves enough when others don't." - Issa Mas

I did something the other day that I thought was stupid immediately afterward - I read a letter from "The Ex".  It made me a bit melancholy, which is why I thought it was a stupid thing to do once I was done reading it, but in the end I am glad that I did.  It made me realize that it was so smart to move on with my life, and that's when the quote above came to me.  I have a friend who is dealing with a recent break-up of her own, and when I shared that quote with her, it made her realize that she will be better for moving on as well.

Sometimes, moving on hurts like hell.

Sometimes, moving on feels like "giving up", which we are taught never to do.

Sometimes, moving on makes us feel like a failure.

Yet, sometimes, when we move on, we aren't "giving up" at all - we are choosing to be loyal to ourselves...and sometimes, for the very first time in our lives.

If you have just broken up with someone and it hurts like hell, I understand.  Believe me, I do.  Allow yourself the process of feeling the pain - because what you resist, persists.  It's hard to lose someone you believed in.  You are mourning a loss, and there is nothing you can do to speed the process along except, paradoxically, being still with the pain.  Just know, if you have chosen to move on from someone with whom a relationship is just too painful (or unhealthy, or dishonest, or unkind, or etc., etc.), you are choosing to love yourself enough to make yourself a priority in your own life.  Be proud that you are rooting your life in a space of self-worth, allow yourself whatever feelings you are feeling, and know that one day you will find an old letter from that person - and while it may make you the slightest bit melancholy, you will find yourself raising your chin and smiling wisely, because you will feel certain that you took care of you when you needed to the most.  You will be more than okay, sooner than you can imagine right now.  I promise.

Wordless Wednesday

Single Moms: Do Child Care Issues Keep You From Attending The Theatre?

I have always loved attending plays.  I'm an artsy kind of person so that probably comes as no surprise, but my parents, who aren't "artsy", have always loved going to the theatre as well, and have each taken me to many productions over the years.  I used to go to both Broadway and off-Broadway plays quite often, and I have missed it.  Since having Theo it hasn't been easy to get a lot of "me time" in, and most of the shows I attend are of the Elmo Live! variety.  And while I love sharing those kinds of experiences with my boy, I miss going to the kind of theatre where people in fuzzy costumes aren't involved.

Luckily for me, my friends Holly and Erin over at MamaDrama came to the rescue!  They gave me tickets to see Love, Loss, and What I Wore (which was amazing, amazing, AMAZING!).  The tickets that MamaDrama gave me would have been useless were it not for the other fabulous thing that they gave me: a free Playtime! session for Theo!  This meant that I could go see a matinee, and Theo could go hang out with other kids, while being supervised and engaged by Playtime! Artsitters.  How awesome is that???  Theo and I would both be enjoying an afternoon of the arts, and yet I wouldn't have to endure yet another furry creature singing the alphabet at me.  Win-win, my friends.  Win-win.

I'm the tiniest bit of a "helicopter mom", and I won't leave my son with just anyone, so I was a bit apprehensive about leaving him in a new facility with strangers.  Once I told him there would be other children to play with he couldn't have cared less if the facility was on the moon and the staff were aliens, he was so excited to go.  Once we arrived, the staff at Playtime! made me feel at ease because they clearly took what they do very seriously and covered all bases before I left to my show (food allergies, parent and facility contact numbers, a card with a number that matched a paper ID bracelet they put on each child so that they are picked up only by an authorized person, etc.).  Then Theo was off with barely a backward glance to go see what this Playtime! thing was all about.  I stood there for a second feeling foolish because it was clear who between us has the separation anxiety, then dashed off to get to Love, Loss, and What I Wore on time.  I will say it again, this play is truly wonderful.  I belly-laughed out loud, I teared up, and I found myself nodding in agreement at so many different points throughout the production.  It was written by the Ephron sisters so you know that it was superbly written.  It's ending in a month, so grab your girlfriends and go see it ASAP!

After the play, I went back to Playtime! to collect my child, and what does he say?  "I don't want to go home, Mama, I want to stay here and have fun!".  I almost left him there for one of the Artisitters to take home in punishment for his public betrayal, but then I figured I'd miss him in a day or two, so I forced him to come home with boring old me.  Upon my arrival, the Artsitters gave me a Studio Scoop, a card with information about his time with them, which is a great idea.  The card let me know what he ate, the artistic activity he did ("We had an awesome pirate day!  Theo was such a great pirate!  He really loved the pirate ship improv - he kept warning all the pirates about the animals headed our way."), as well as which art skills he was involved in (Theatre, Music, Visual Arts, Dance), as well as other great information about his time with them.  I loved reading the Studio Scoop card because it made me feel like not only was I being kept informed about my child, but also that I didn't completely miss out on sharing that experience with him (I told you, I can be one of those "helicopter moms" sometimes.  He's only four, okay?  I'll loosen the grip in a year...or ten).

All in all it was a fantastic day for us both.  We each got to spend a couple of hours apart enjoying and participating in the arts, and I didn't have to worry about scrambling to find child care.  Treating yourself to an afternoon at a play is a great way to recharge your battery, my single mama sisters - which is something you know I am a huge advocate of.  With Playtime! you can do that and not feel guilty that you're the only one having all the fun!


*While MamaDrama Consulting provided complimentary tickets to the play and a complimentary session at Playtime!, I have not been otherwise compensated for this post. The views and opinions expressed here are solely my own, and besides, Theo doesn't know it was free, he just knows it was fun!

Wordless Wednesday

The Saint and The Sinner

Sally Hamilton / Stock Xchng

I never cared about my health until I became a parent.  A single parent.  Knowing that my 4-year-old son relies on me for everything, I have slowly become obsessed with keeping myself alive and healthy until he is at least a self-sufficient adult.  In my efforts to be as healthy as I can possibly be, I have added regular workouts to my weekly schedule and I have revamped my diet.  Revamping my diet has included looking at the role certain foods play in my life.  Revamping my diet, therefore, has also included eliminating pork from the household menu, because foods like bacon, pork chops, and sausage aren’t things I want my son to grow a love for, only to have to turn around and tell him that they aren’t healthy and that he shouldn’t eat them.  So, there is never any pork in my house.  Ever.  I am quite proud of that.

When I’m not home, though?  I am a liar and a cheat.  I eat bacon.  Lots and lots of bacon.  I eat ham sandwiches.  I eat Pernil* during the holidays at family member’s houses but relegate my boy to eating the turkey instead (luckily for me he is still too young to notice that his mother is a raging hypocrite and we are eating different things.  At these times I am truly grateful that there is such a thing as a Kid’s Table.).

I am aware of this Pork Hypocrisy, and I wonder if it is indicative of the fact that mothers constantly straddle the line between two worlds; the world of being a parent and the world of being a woman -- an individual.  The parent in me wants to model only the behaviors that I feel most represent my beliefs about what is best in life, and what is best for my son.  The woman in me doesn’t give a damn about any of that because there is nothing that is better than the taste of crispy, salty bacon.  Nothing.  I love bacon so much that it is the taste I would like to have in my mouth when I meet my Maker.  Problem is, I am aware that eating too much of it might have me make that trip sooner than I’d like, and so I continue to perpetuate my Pork Fraud.

The Mom in my house is a lean, mean, heart-healthy machine.

The Woman out on the street is a dirty, filthy, pork-loving liar.

Never the two shall meet.  And I’m fine with that.  Absolutely fine.

*Pernil is a traditional Caribbean and Latin American dish of roasted pork shoulder infused with garlic and other spices.

Wordless Wednesday

An Interview With Avon Representative, Christina Garner

As you know from my previous post, Avon is a company that has helped women earn income for over 125 years. For generations, women have turned to Avon to buy cosmetics, skin care, scents, and more - and for that same amount of time women have turned to Avon to help them earn money that has supplemented a main source of income, sometimes doing so well that it becomes their sole or largest source of income. Single moms often look for ways to make more money without compromising the amount of time we spend with our children, and selling Avon can be a great way to do just that. I had the opportunity to speak with single mom and Avon Representative, Christina Garner, about what it is like to have her own Avon business so that I could share it with you here.

Christina Garner

Faced with her son's request for a high school class ring she could not afford, Christina faced the tough decision of either telling her son he could not have the class ring he dreamed of, or find a way to
make some extra income to supplement the cost. Christina has always wanted to be able to give her three kids the best life possible, so set her mind to finding a job to supplement her income that would also grant her the flexibility to spend time with her kids, and Avon was the perfect fit.
Within 2 months of joining Avon, Christina was able to afford her son's ring, and within 4 months she had made President's Club.  Christina loves her career with Avon because of all the amazing and inspirational women she works with, the flexibility it affords, and the unlimited earning potential. With her kids helping her pack her orders and her growing customer base, Christina has also been able to use her Avon earnings to pay for her family's upcoming cruise vacation.

Issa: What made you become an Avon rep?
Christina: I started in September of 2010 when my son, who does very well in school, came home with the class ring catalog and pointed out the ring he wanted most.  I couldn't afford it, but I didn't want to deny him that ring because he had earned it.  At that point I knew I had to get a part-time job and that's when Avon came in.

Issa: How has your Avon business helped your family?
Christina: The extra money I earn has helped make it possible for my son not to have to work to contribute to the household, which has allowed him to maintain high grades.  That is very important to me.

Issa: What do you think some of the fears or misconceptions are that may keep some women from choosing to become Avon Reps?
Christina: I think most people think that Avon is for "old people", but I have a lot of young customers.  I have customers in my 20s, 30s, and even some High School kids!

Issa: What are some things women should know about starting their own Avon business?
Christina: What you get out of it is what you put into it. A little bit of work goes a long way when you are selling Avon products, though, because the products tend to sell themselves a lot of the time.  I recommend that women just try out being an Avon rep for 4 campaigns (each campaign is equal to 2 weeks), and at the end of the 4 campaigns they can then see if selling Avon is right for them.  It only costs $10 to start so there isn't much to lose!

Issa: How do you find customers?
Christina: I get together with other women who sell Avon and we go "prospecting".  Prospecting is basically just meeting new people wherever you might normally go, Walmart, fast food restaurants, etc.  We talk to new people about the products and ask if they would be interested in a catalog.  I also leave my Avon business card with the tip for servers at restaurants!

Issa: Do you have a favorite product that you would buy even if you weren't an Avon Rep?
Christina: I love Fergie's perfume "Outspoken Intense".  My youngest boy loves the Carl Edwards cologne "Turn 4XT".

Issa: What is the biggest benefit of having your own Avon business?
Christina: The biggest benefit for me in having my own Avon business is not having to tell my kids "no".  As a single mom, there are too many times when we have to say no to their requests.  Having extra money helps me to give them as much as possible.

The other thing I love about having my own Avon business is that it has changed my outlook on many things.  Because I am successful as an Avon rep it makes me feel like I can be successful in other areas of my life as well.  I've recently decided to change my diet and I've lost several pounds, which feels really good!  The support you get at meetings makes you feel really good, and the recognition you get there slips into other areas.

Thank you so much, Christina, for sharing your time and insight with us!


*I have been hired by Avon to share their business, and the representatives that make the business possible, with my readers.

Wordless Wednesday

Balancing Your Womanhood With Your Mommyhood

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I am a woman who fully embraces her sexuality.  Well, I did when I was dating, but it's been so long that mostly all I embrace is my body pillow as I drift off to much-needed sleep.  I do know that at some point I will get back to dating, and it's possible that I might even fall in love again (hey, look, stranger things have happened, okay?).  What I do feel fairly certain of is that my boy will probably only meet somebody who is so serious in my life that an engagement ring has been purchased.  Yep, that's right - I said engagement ring.  Here's why . . .

I follow a single mom on a social media site who seems to have a very active love life.  I, personally, think that's awesome!  A mother is still a woman, and women have physical and emotional needs.  This mom should embrace her sexuality to its fullest just like everyone else!  The one thing that gives me pause, though, is that there seems to be a new picture of her newest guy with her child, about every 5 to 6 months.  This mom is young, in her early 20s, but still, I think that there is a certain level of irresponsibility in her introducing each of her new boyfriends to her child.  That child's sense of stability has to be getting compromised on some level, and the child watching so much turn-around in her own mother's love life could be giving the wrong impression of what "love" truly is.  I don't know, I'm not a psychologist, and I certainly don't aim to judge her, I just know that when I saw the latest picture my gut reaction was, "That poor little kid".

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am just the slightest bit old fashioned, and that parading men around my kid would never, ever happen.  People also know that, when it comes to my kid, if I am going to err it will be on the side of extreme caution.  So, to say that I would only introduce my kid to a man who has become my fiance is extreme, and I know that.  I'm not for one minute saying that is the way to do it, only that it is the way that resonates with me.  For many, introducing their children to their steady boyfriend with whom a monogamous relationship has been established is more than ok, and I agree.  As long as the children are seeing a steady, loving relationship, that's what matters, in my humble opinion.  I might one day find myself in a strong, steady, monogamous relationship and feel that it is then appropriate to introduce this man to my son.  It's absolutely possible.  I just think that for me, knowing that the man I'm introducing my child to is willing to go "all in", with me, my child, and any children of his own, seems like a much safer bet in terms of stability and longevity for my son.  Is it a guarantee?  Of course not!  Marriages fall apart every day.  I'm no fool.  I'm just saying that should it all fall to pieces, at least I can go to sleep at night and say, "I did the best I could to protect my child's innocence according to my conscience".  I might still need a Valium to go to sleep that night, but at least I won't want to wash it down with Vodka.

When and if the time comes, I think I would explain to Theo that he doesn't know ALL of Mama's friends, and when I realized that this particular friend was going to be special enough to become family, that is when I decided that he was special enough to be introduced to my baby.  Hopefully, that will go a long way toward making sure that he doesn't feel like I kept him in the dark, or that he was "lied" to in some way, and that this random dude just got sprung on him.  I don't want him to feel "left out" of my life, but I will also need him to understand that his role in my life is as my child, and as such, I must make executive decisions as to what he needs to know and when.  When this man became important enough to be introduced to the most important person in my life, he was, and not a minute before.

What do you think?  What's your take on single mothers and dating, and the extent to which their children are exposed to Mom's love life?

Pushing Your Past Out Into Your Future

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I'm guilty of many things that are less than healthy (ice cream addiction, Oreo cookie addiction, couch addiction, etc.), but one of the most unhealthy things that I've always done and I am working on changing is the fact that I allow my past to cause me pain in the present, so much so that I sometimes end up pushing my past out into my future.  What do I mean by that?  I'll tell you.

We all find ourselves, at some moment or the other, thinking about a past love, or a past error we've made, or the regret of something we didn't have the courage to do, and felt the pain all over again.  We are human, and even if we're really good at forgiving ourselves and moving on there is usually something that holds a particulary painful place in our memory, which when dredged up can cause us to feel that pain all over again.  That is an utterly human thing to do, and as long as we don't dwell for too long and come to accept that what's done is done, there really isn't too much harm in that kind of wistfulness every now and then.

The kind of unhealthy, melancholy pensiveness I'm talking about is when you find yourself pushing those past experiences and feelings out ahead of you and using them as a shield in the subconscious hope that it will protect you from making the same kind of mistake in your future.  That seems like a logical thing to do, except that it isn't.  Not at all.  You're thinking that you're protecting yourself, and that protection will take you to a pain-free future, except all that you're doing is taking the pain with you and pushing it out in front of you everywhere you go -- which, ironically, brings you into a pain-filled future.  Look at the girl in the picture above.  How far is she going to get, pushing that old lemon of a car out in front of her?  Not very far, my friends.  Not very far at all.  And that's us, pushing all that pain out in front of us, thinking it'll keep us from making the same mistake in the future.  It simply does not work.

This morning, as I found myself deeply pained by the memory of a love lost, I realized that I have spent the last 4 years in solitude, thinking that I was taking the time to focus on myself, but all the while I was pushing the past out into my future.  As someone who lives with Depression, I'm more prone to that kind of behavior.  Fearing having someone I love yet again tell me that I was no longer enough for them, I told myself that it was best if I stayed out of the love game altogether.  And while I do sincerely love being single, and I want to continue to focus on myself, my goals, my role as a mom, and my emotional and spiritual growth, I don't want my loving being single to act as an excuse to keep pushing around my past pain into my future. 

I'd bet, that if you look at your mental and emotional life, there might be a thing or two from your past (no matter how large or small), that you keep pushing out into your future.  Is there a way that you can begin to release the grip you have on it, so that when you are ready to walk away from it completely you can do so without it feeling like you've given up a part of your very identity?  I, for one, am going to make it my business to start mentally rewriting the story I've written about that one lost love, so that instead of it being an old broken-down car that I still push out in front of me (sadly thinking that it's actually getting me somewhere), that sad story merely becomes exactly what it is - just something that once happened, that no longer exists, that I do not need to bring with me anymore.  I can leave that broken-down car on the side of the road and walk until I find a rest stop.  Will that rest stop be inner peace?  Self-acceptance?  A new love?  I don't know yet.  I do know that whatever it is, I'll get there faster if I'm not pushing that beat-up ol' car out in front of me.